Dang… I think I am starting to get addicted to this sense of vertigo that comes with letting go of control and trusting that things will be there.
That’s somewhat larger than a HUGE issue for me, and it frankly scares me quite a bit. Not, mind you, in a ‘poison can kill you‘ kind of way, but more of an ‘other people may get hurt if you screw it up‘ way. And with a wife and family that you have supported on your own strength of will – your own ability to create outcomes… that shakes my psyche a little…
To paraphrase the Master Key this week:
We must let go of E.G.O. and the misplaced comfort that we get from being the responsible one. That somehow everything we have, everything we control – everything we ARE is somehow only a result of our actions in isolation from the world around us.
The more I read, and especially as I sit (as directed in the Master Key excercises) – the clearer the message – the understanding – becomes.
I have made it through 44 years of life, very successfully, on just the power from without. I know, I know… the power within was there working all along… but without my intentional direction – without letting that concept get inside me – it sure felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Dang it – I was -in- control, I had it covered and everything was going to go the way I had planned it… except nothing felt real or solid, my whole world felt disconnected. Outwardly things in my life appear successful, but I have never let another person inside (to potentially hurt me?) My mind runs over things done (incorrectly? incompletely? accurately?) or undone (was it that important? it’ll be fine…) and I toss and turn at night. Or worse, I am in a foul mood, snapping and commanding – never happy…
Sure, I knew what I needed to do – I’ve been reading “self-help” and “personal development” books since my mother started me on them when I was 12. But here’s the thing, just exactly as the Master Keys state:
There is a recognition and understanding of the connection between your conscious mind and your subconscious world that MUST be accepted with intent.
I am finally seeing the light, all this time I had trusted my intuition but never acknowledged the fact that intuition comes from that overlap between ourselves and the Infinite. I had never intentionally directed that inner power to positive outcomes, and certainly never given it exact and directed plans for a better future. All I ever did was was fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants and hope that enough resources would be available to cover any needs – I never expected more and so my subconscious gave me exactly what my blueprint commanded of it… “enough”.
And, getting exactly what was blueprinted, I whined and complained that for all my “sacrifices” I never received more than “enough”…
I am ready to destroy my old blue print now…it’s reared its ugly head once too many times in just this past week. It was extremely liberating to almost physically see it grasping at straws to keep me from continuing with integrity. Emotional games of “you’ve done this before”, physical games of “you’re sooo tired, do it tomorrow”, and especially vile mental games “you’ve sacrificed so often in the past, how is this going to be any different” …
Dear “Old Blue”, we’re through you and I.
I Promise to do my best.